SETTING: My house, at around 4:15 a.m. after I’ve spent the past twenty minutes being repeatedly awakened by our cat D.J. who is loudly meowing to be let out, or be fed, or because it’s too pleasant and dry inside our warm, non-rain-soaked home. He only pauses in his meowing to wait exactly the amount of time it takes for me to return to slumber before giving it another round. Add to this Maya, our St. Bernard, who has awakened me twice already to go to the bathroom and has now chosen the cat’s latest squall volley to whine and loudly shake her ears to alert me a third potty requirement.
ME: (RISING FROM BED, QUIETLY FURIOUS) That is it. I’m murdering everyone.
MY WIFE: (STILL HALF-ASLEEP) Don’t murder me. I’m on your side.
ME: That’s right. You are. Okay. I won’t murder you.
She now has no memory of saying this.